Hello there! I have not updated for several months. Life just gets in the way sometimes. Before I move forward with my plans for the year ahead I want to share a little about what’s been happening and to explain a little about why I have been blogging so sporadically. I guess my story fits best under the headings of love, life and loss. This is a very hard thing for me to write but I have held so much in that I need to have an outlet and to maybe reach out to those who have been in a similar situation.
My health took a turn for the worse last year and I really struggled to accept my disability. My surgery was unexpectedly bought forward, with 1 days notice, to October. Recovery has been brutal and there are doubts that the operation has worked. My surgeon has already raised the possibility of a more invasive surgery to follow. Having to use a wheelchair over the Christmas period opened my eyes to the ignorance of some people. I have never felt so invisible and insignificant.
Family has been at the forefront of our thoughts. My Mom got married in March, a joyous day albeit somewhat thwarted by the snow. We enjoyed an extended family holiday in August and discovered the joys of hot tubs!. The children are flourishing in their various endeavours and I have had many reasons to be proud of them this year.
Loss. Where do I start on this subject? Mid year we lost Mr M’s grandad, a not unexpected event but still a huge blow to us all. This was further compounded when 2 days before Christmas we suddenly and unexpectedly lost his uncle. These 2 events on there own would be more than enough to cope with but a few weeks before Christmas we lost my beautiful, brave Mom to metastatic brain cancer secondary to ovarian cancer, caused by a faulty BRCA1 gene.
I have never felt such pain. Initially I held it all together. I had to get through Christmas for the children and went into auto pilot. Then I came crashing down. It’s the small things that hurt the most. I go to pick up the phone to tell her an amusing story about the children. But I can’t. It’s my birthday later this week and she won’t be there for the first time ever. Even though I am an adult with children of my own I always had the comfort of knowing that I had my Mom to talk to when the kids were being a pest or I needed an ear to bend. Now I don’t have that extra layer of security and it leaves a huge gap that can’t be filled. I miss her so much.
Despite all this overwhelming loss the strongest emotion we have felt this year has been love. Despite all the many tears there have been moments of such joy and love and support. My family is small but those who remain have come together in the most amazing way. I have felt loved and supported. They have not judged when I have thrown irrational tantrums because I cannot cope. They have listened and understood and been there no matter what. We have grown closer and tighter and braver together.
Love, life and loss in 2018
When we entered 2018 I has such hope. I never anticipated ending the year in a hospice praying for a miracle that was never going to happen. I know 2019 will be hard for us all but I have hope that brighter days will come. I feel the love and support of my family and it gives me strength. Towards the end Mom asked me to be brave for her.
I will try.
Linking in with: